My goal has been to become a "runner."  I mean, I guess I am since I run.  I just don't feel like a "runner" though.  I haven't done a 5K.  I haven't done any racing, for that matter.  What began as a way to lose weight has now become this competition I have with myself.  I've been running for some months now, and while I feel stronger and like I can endure more, I still haven't broken any land speed records.  I haven't even entered a fun run!  I've been having some difficulty increasing mileage due to this record breaking heat this summer.  I find that I am able to run longer and harder outside at the park in my neighborhood.  This heat, however, has forced me into the gym and onto the treadmill.  My fancy new running shoes aren't so new anymore and aren't offering the support and magic they did before.  The devil shin splints are back.  They are healing much quicker than they used to, so that's a plus.  So, on to my frustration of today.  I was extra motivated today for some reason.  I was running longer and faster and was doing just fine.  I started to feel a pain in my right knee, but what else is new?  That knee is a total bastard.  From the time I twisted it on that stupid Pauls Valley track while jumping into my hyper extended toe touch, through the shock of learning I had broken a piece of the kneecap off, to training it to be strong despite edging near 30 - that damned knee has given me fits.  So I thought I would run through the dull ache.  Yeah.  Until I felt this surge of pain that almost knocked me off of the treadmill.  Totally embarassing.  Luckily, passersby gave me a looks as if to say, "ah, runner's knee.  good luck with that."  So, now I'm ridiculously frustrated that during the week that I've been more motivated and strong than any previous week, I get runner's knee on top of my expected shin splints.  Really?  I had planned a good weight training session along with a run tomorrow.  Stupid injury.  I really want to reach new heights in this running game.  I don't want to be a racer, I just want to feel good about my own mileage, speed, and strength.  I want the lean muscle mass that comes with being a runner.  I want the healthy body that will prepare me for child birth (should God bless us with a child or children).  I want the energy that comes with good health.  Damn this knee!!!

i've been thinking of writing about my family background for some time now and here it is midnight and I'm diving in.  Some of the details remain a mystery to me.  What I know is that my mother and father were friends.  My mother spoke with him in a bar one night about how she wanted children and didn't care if she had to raise them alone.  This must have been music to my father's ears.  At this time, he'd already fathered five daughters.  My mom didn't know about all of them.  I'm pretty sure she knew about louise, lori, and linda.  Anyway, my parents were married and had my brother, Michael.  Three years later, I was born.  I'm not sure how many years after that he left, but I was a toddler.  Mom says he didn't want to pay child support so he disappeared.  I'm not sure how old I was when mom met my step-dad, whom I consider to be my real dad and call him as such.  We ended up moving to Oklahoma, much to my grandparents' dismay.  Oklahoma is where I grew up.  I lived a pretty amazing life.  I didn't know much of anything about my paternal family.  All I knew was that my last name was difficult for others to say and spell.  I tried to keep in touch with Louise and Linda.  It was difficult though.  I was just living my life in McLoud.  It was a great childhood.  My dad travelled for work so it was Mike, Mom, and me - just like it was when my mom was a single mom. 

Only this time, she didn't have family close by and she had the financial support and love from my dad. I have 3 step brothers too. I remember spending time with them as a girl, but they didn't live with us full time. I have grown up thinking my family life is totally normal. I mean, I knew it was "broken" but it was MY family and it was normal to me. Most of my friends came from "broken" homes. Only now that I am a therapist who deals with "broken" families day in and day out, do I realize that my family life was totally jacked up.

Luckily for me and my mom, my bio dad didn't drag us through court using my brother and me as weapons to hurt my mom.  I thank God for that! 

My sister Louise has always been interested in finding more of our family or at least information on Richard.  she found Penny along the way.  Penny lives in alaska and made sister number four for me.  I have never met her and I hope I get to one day.  I feel like she and I may be the most alike.  Well, that's what I get from reading her facebook and from the letters we used to write back to one another.  She's smart like me.  She went to college like me.  She enjoys being active like me.  Her son, Anthony, looks like my brother so much.  It's hilarious.  Family we have never met look a lot like us.  Insane.

When I was a sophomore in college, I received an email from someone saying she was pretty sure she was my half sister.  Turns out, she is.  She was adopted after our bio dad left her mother.  so not only did she fall victim to the nomad act of my bio dad, she was adopted!  what a story she must have.  I hope she will share more one day with me.

With the popularity of facebook and myspace, I started to search for our last name.  I found a girl who was 16 at the time.  Her name was Laila or something like that.  her last name matches ours.  And come on - our last name is not common.  If you have our last name, odds are you have half of the same blood as us.  It was unreal - a YOUNGER sister who lived in Oklahoma.  Not just Oklahoma, but 20 minutes away!  She looks exactly like Michael.  She even has the same hands as he does.  From what I could tell in her pictures anyway.

I want to write more, and I will.  For now, though, I better go drink my tea and go to bed.  Real life awaits in the morning.  Grey's Anatomy season 6 awaits in the blu ray player now.  :)

What is "IT"?

i found this great quote out of a book on urbanoutfitters.com.
"we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we beleive others to be happier than they are."
--Charles-Louis de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu

Have you ever found this to be untrue?  It's amazing how this one quote can speak for all of us.  If there is someone out there who has not once in their life wished to be happier than someone else, i surely would like to meet this anomaly.  so, this begs the question - when are we ever truely happy?  when are we satisfied?  oh sure, you've said it before - "I'm completely happy with life."  of course i have been happy with my life.  i have had many blessings and i wouldn't trade my life with anyone else in the world.  however, i do find myself continuously striving for something more.  as a child, i was motivated to perform well - in sports, academia, socially, in my family dynamic.  as a young adult, i was motivated to achieve scholastically and drove myself to obtain my bachelor's degree and then my master's degree.  now that I have a full time job, and it's the same every day, i find myself wanting to exercise my creative muscles.  is this really all there is to life?  wake up, feed the dog, go to the gym, go to work, come home, make dinner, feed the dog, keep up the house, go to sleep, and do it all over again?  this surely can't be why God has me here on this little spot of earth.  surely there is something to be passionate about.  i've only got to find it! 

and when i do find it, will i be satisfied?

i very much enjoyed my weekend visit to austin, texas.  my initial reasons for travelling there are complete bullshit.  i didn't think i would be this disappointed upon my return.  however, i choose to  remember all the fun my mate and i had while there.  we had no idea that it was mardi gras weekend and were happily surprised by all of the events.  i would much rather have been there during sxsw, but whatever.  hollie and i had such a blast doing new things and visiting quirky shops.  the people watching was phenomenal.  as the blisters on my feet remind me, the lifestyle there is much different than it is here. 
this spurred a thought process that i cannot shake.  how did i end up here?  oklahoma?  really?  this just doesn't seem to fit.  i was born a northerner and dragged to oklahoma so that my mother could marry my step-father.  now i cannot seem to get out of this boring state.  sure, there are plenty of things to do here, but the lifestyle just doesn't fit me.  i don't fancy it at all.  it's no wonder that i go through my days feeling completely dis-engaged.  by the end of the day, i sit here and wonder, what the hell did i just do today?  don't get me wrong, i enjoy my life.  people have said that i have a "zest" for life.  i have been described as a positive person, upbeat, and the peacemaker.  i've also been described as a great listener.  maybe i'm such a great "listener" because i'm not really here.  my mind is always somewhere else wanting to be doing something more.  i cannot name one thing that i am quite passionate about. 
i wonder how i came to be what i am.  did i really get to choose my life?  yes, i know that i sound much like an indulgent whining brat, but when i think about how i grew up, i'm really not sure that i did choose my own life.  i grew up in a small, sheltered town.  all i ever wanted to do was get out and make money.  as a young girl, i chose a career that i thought i would make money doing.  i quickly realized i was good at it, too.  now that i'm done with all the schooling and have been doing it for a couple years, i hate it!  i just want to give it all up and do something artistic and creative.  i want to go back to writing songs, taking photographs, etc.  i want a new lifestyle.  i want to get out of this place.  i want to be around different people.  i want to get away from these people with such closed opinions and thought processes.  i feel like there is so much more out there to be experienced.  i feel trapped in the mundane life here. 

everyone seemed so free in austin.  so many interesting people.  i'm already counting the days until i go back.  but i don't want to go back with my fiancee'.  i want to go back by myself.  i want to experience all that austin has to offer. 

Thinking of holidays past....

It's no fun. 

i never thought this would happen.  the holidays mean something entirely differently to me than they did just a few short years ago.  growing up, the holidays meant that the family was going to get together for food, sports, laughter, and usually some alcohol.  as the youngest child in my family, i always looked forward to this time that i got to spend with my older brothers, parents, grandparents, and other relatives.  it was a warm and happy time.  even if there was family drama, it still meant that my people cared enough about each other to pester one another. 
somewhere along the line, my family dwindled.  my brothers grew apart from us and made the obligatory visit for a few hours.  then my mom got diagnosed with cancer.  then my dad lost his job.  this combination was tragic.  my parents lost their health insurance and cancer is damned expensive.  my parents moved from the home i grew up in to a trailer on the land i grew up on.  the holidays were strained, but we were all together making jokes and playing games.  then my mom died.  all of a sudden i was the only female in the immediate family and i feel like i was given the duty of following in my mother's footsteps in terms of keeping the family together.  i learned very quickly that she was the glue holding us all together.  i got busy with starting my life (life for me seemed to stop while i was in school...) and all of a sudden, the family never gets together anymore.  when we do, it feels very forced.  this thanksgiving, i did not have time to even think about planning dinner and all of the visitation plans.  of course, nobody else thought it important enough to take it upon themselves to plan the day.  so....this year i will not be seeing my family.  i am saddened by this, but not surprised.  i thought about this today and then i came home to find a letter from my aunt and uncle.  they're my only living elder relatives left that i have ever had a relationship with.  all of my grandparents have died.  my mom and biological father have died.  my one biological brother barely gets in touch with me.  i spoke the other day with a co-worker about this adult orphan thing.  i totally get it.  even though my step-dad is the only dad i have ever known, i still have this empty orphan feeling that has changed me as a person.  it's a very lonely feeling. 
so, not only am i an adult orphan, i feel very alone in my relationship.  i am engaged to a very sweet guy, but am not satisfied.  he makes me happy, but i find myself wanting something else.  i want to run away and have an adventure.  i think to myself "shut up" at least once a day when he talks.  i get so bored when he talks sometimes.  he is so sheltered and i feel that being engaged to him has sentenced me to a life of dull and totally expected events.  "the rest of my life" is a very long time and i feel like i'm missing out on everything.  i have no ties anymore except him.  this feeling drives me crazy.  i want to go and see the world!  as i type this, i am tearful because i don't think i can ever leave him, but at the same time i don't think i will ever truely be satisfied if i stay. 
i really just want my mom back.  she would tell me what to do.  i always felt it was my mom and me against the world, and then god took her from me and left me to fend for myself in this place.  i've done well  -  i don't want to complain too much, but i can't help that i feel stuck here with no escape.  i'm blessed beyond measure, i don't want to discount that at all.  i feel a little guilty for wanting more.  i find myself thinking of reasons to not come home after work.  that's not okay.  i drive around aimlessly just so i can stay gone longer.  he doesn't deserve that.
well, my first blog seems a bit self-indulgent, but oh well.  Just getting thoughts onto the screen...