i very much enjoyed my weekend visit to austin, texas.  my initial reasons for travelling there are complete bullshit.  i didn't think i would be this disappointed upon my return.  however, i choose to  remember all the fun my mate and i had while there.  we had no idea that it was mardi gras weekend and were happily surprised by all of the events.  i would much rather have been there during sxsw, but whatever.  hollie and i had such a blast doing new things and visiting quirky shops.  the people watching was phenomenal.  as the blisters on my feet remind me, the lifestyle there is much different than it is here. 
this spurred a thought process that i cannot shake.  how did i end up here?  oklahoma?  really?  this just doesn't seem to fit.  i was born a northerner and dragged to oklahoma so that my mother could marry my step-father.  now i cannot seem to get out of this boring state.  sure, there are plenty of things to do here, but the lifestyle just doesn't fit me.  i don't fancy it at all.  it's no wonder that i go through my days feeling completely dis-engaged.  by the end of the day, i sit here and wonder, what the hell did i just do today?  don't get me wrong, i enjoy my life.  people have said that i have a "zest" for life.  i have been described as a positive person, upbeat, and the peacemaker.  i've also been described as a great listener.  maybe i'm such a great "listener" because i'm not really here.  my mind is always somewhere else wanting to be doing something more.  i cannot name one thing that i am quite passionate about. 
i wonder how i came to be what i am.  did i really get to choose my life?  yes, i know that i sound much like an indulgent whining brat, but when i think about how i grew up, i'm really not sure that i did choose my own life.  i grew up in a small, sheltered town.  all i ever wanted to do was get out and make money.  as a young girl, i chose a career that i thought i would make money doing.  i quickly realized i was good at it, too.  now that i'm done with all the schooling and have been doing it for a couple years, i hate it!  i just want to give it all up and do something artistic and creative.  i want to go back to writing songs, taking photographs, etc.  i want a new lifestyle.  i want to get out of this place.  i want to be around different people.  i want to get away from these people with such closed opinions and thought processes.  i feel like there is so much more out there to be experienced.  i feel trapped in the mundane life here. 

everyone seemed so free in austin.  so many interesting people.  i'm already counting the days until i go back.  but i don't want to go back with my fiancee'.  i want to go back by myself.  i want to experience all that austin has to offer.