My goal has been to become a "runner."  I mean, I guess I am since I run.  I just don't feel like a "runner" though.  I haven't done a 5K.  I haven't done any racing, for that matter.  What began as a way to lose weight has now become this competition I have with myself.  I've been running for some months now, and while I feel stronger and like I can endure more, I still haven't broken any land speed records.  I haven't even entered a fun run!  I've been having some difficulty increasing mileage due to this record breaking heat this summer.  I find that I am able to run longer and harder outside at the park in my neighborhood.  This heat, however, has forced me into the gym and onto the treadmill.  My fancy new running shoes aren't so new anymore and aren't offering the support and magic they did before.  The devil shin splints are back.  They are healing much quicker than they used to, so that's a plus.  So, on to my frustration of today.  I was extra motivated today for some reason.  I was running longer and faster and was doing just fine.  I started to feel a pain in my right knee, but what else is new?  That knee is a total bastard.  From the time I twisted it on that stupid Pauls Valley track while jumping into my hyper extended toe touch, through the shock of learning I had broken a piece of the kneecap off, to training it to be strong despite edging near 30 - that damned knee has given me fits.  So I thought I would run through the dull ache.  Yeah.  Until I felt this surge of pain that almost knocked me off of the treadmill.  Totally embarassing.  Luckily, passersby gave me a looks as if to say, "ah, runner's knee.  good luck with that."  So, now I'm ridiculously frustrated that during the week that I've been more motivated and strong than any previous week, I get runner's knee on top of my expected shin splints.  Really?  I had planned a good weight training session along with a run tomorrow.  Stupid injury.  I really want to reach new heights in this running game.  I don't want to be a racer, I just want to feel good about my own mileage, speed, and strength.  I want the lean muscle mass that comes with being a runner.  I want the healthy body that will prepare me for child birth (should God bless us with a child or children).  I want the energy that comes with good health.  Damn this knee!!!

i've been thinking of writing about my family background for some time now and here it is midnight and I'm diving in.  Some of the details remain a mystery to me.  What I know is that my mother and father were friends.  My mother spoke with him in a bar one night about how she wanted children and didn't care if she had to raise them alone.  This must have been music to my father's ears.  At this time, he'd already fathered five daughters.  My mom didn't know about all of them.  I'm pretty sure she knew about louise, lori, and linda.  Anyway, my parents were married and had my brother, Michael.  Three years later, I was born.  I'm not sure how many years after that he left, but I was a toddler.  Mom says he didn't want to pay child support so he disappeared.  I'm not sure how old I was when mom met my step-dad, whom I consider to be my real dad and call him as such.  We ended up moving to Oklahoma, much to my grandparents' dismay.  Oklahoma is where I grew up.  I lived a pretty amazing life.  I didn't know much of anything about my paternal family.  All I knew was that my last name was difficult for others to say and spell.  I tried to keep in touch with Louise and Linda.  It was difficult though.  I was just living my life in McLoud.  It was a great childhood.  My dad travelled for work so it was Mike, Mom, and me - just like it was when my mom was a single mom. 

Only this time, she didn't have family close by and she had the financial support and love from my dad. I have 3 step brothers too. I remember spending time with them as a girl, but they didn't live with us full time. I have grown up thinking my family life is totally normal. I mean, I knew it was "broken" but it was MY family and it was normal to me. Most of my friends came from "broken" homes. Only now that I am a therapist who deals with "broken" families day in and day out, do I realize that my family life was totally jacked up.

Luckily for me and my mom, my bio dad didn't drag us through court using my brother and me as weapons to hurt my mom.  I thank God for that! 

My sister Louise has always been interested in finding more of our family or at least information on Richard.  she found Penny along the way.  Penny lives in alaska and made sister number four for me.  I have never met her and I hope I get to one day.  I feel like she and I may be the most alike.  Well, that's what I get from reading her facebook and from the letters we used to write back to one another.  She's smart like me.  She went to college like me.  She enjoys being active like me.  Her son, Anthony, looks like my brother so much.  It's hilarious.  Family we have never met look a lot like us.  Insane.

When I was a sophomore in college, I received an email from someone saying she was pretty sure she was my half sister.  Turns out, she is.  She was adopted after our bio dad left her mother.  so not only did she fall victim to the nomad act of my bio dad, she was adopted!  what a story she must have.  I hope she will share more one day with me.

With the popularity of facebook and myspace, I started to search for our last name.  I found a girl who was 16 at the time.  Her name was Laila or something like that.  her last name matches ours.  And come on - our last name is not common.  If you have our last name, odds are you have half of the same blood as us.  It was unreal - a YOUNGER sister who lived in Oklahoma.  Not just Oklahoma, but 20 minutes away!  She looks exactly like Michael.  She even has the same hands as he does.  From what I could tell in her pictures anyway.

I want to write more, and I will.  For now, though, I better go drink my tea and go to bed.  Real life awaits in the morning.  Grey's Anatomy season 6 awaits in the blu ray player now.  :)