It's no fun.
i never thought this would happen. the holidays mean something entirely differently to me than they did just a few short years ago. growing up, the holidays meant that the family was going to get together for food, sports, laughter, and usually some alcohol. as the youngest child in my family, i always looked forward to this time that i got to spend with my older brothers, parents, grandparents, and other relatives. it was a warm and happy time. even if there was family drama, it still meant that my people cared enough about each other to pester one another.
somewhere along the line, my family dwindled. my brothers grew apart from us and made the obligatory visit for a few hours. then my mom got diagnosed with cancer. then my dad lost his job. this combination was tragic. my parents lost their health insurance and cancer is damned expensive. my parents moved from the home i grew up in to a trailer on the land i grew up on. the holidays were strained, but we were all together making jokes and playing games. then my mom died. all of a sudden i was the only female in the immediate family and i feel like i was given the duty of following in my mother's footsteps in terms of keeping the family together. i learned very quickly that she was the glue holding us all together. i got busy with starting my life (life for me seemed to stop while i was in school...) and all of a sudden, the family never gets together anymore. when we do, it feels very forced. this thanksgiving, i did not have time to even think about planning dinner and all of the visitation plans. of course, nobody else thought it important enough to take it upon themselves to plan the day. so....this year i will not be seeing my family. i am saddened by this, but not surprised. i thought about this today and then i came home to find a letter from my aunt and uncle. they're my only living elder relatives left that i have ever had a relationship with. all of my grandparents have died. my mom and biological father have died. my one biological brother barely gets in touch with me. i spoke the other day with a co-worker about this adult orphan thing. i totally get it. even though my step-dad is the only dad i have ever known, i still have this empty orphan feeling that has changed me as a person. it's a very lonely feeling.
so, not only am i an adult orphan, i feel very alone in my relationship. i am engaged to a very sweet guy, but am not satisfied. he makes me happy, but i find myself wanting something else. i want to run away and have an adventure. i think to myself "shut up" at least once a day when he talks. i get so bored when he talks sometimes. he is so sheltered and i feel that being engaged to him has sentenced me to a life of dull and totally expected events. "the rest of my life" is a very long time and i feel like i'm missing out on everything. i have no ties anymore except him. this feeling drives me crazy. i want to go and see the world! as i type this, i am tearful because i don't think i can ever leave him, but at the same time i don't think i will ever truely be satisfied if i stay.
i really just want my mom back. she would tell me what to do. i always felt it was my mom and me against the world, and then god took her from me and left me to fend for myself in this place. i've done well - i don't want to complain too much, but i can't help that i feel stuck here with no escape. i'm blessed beyond measure, i don't want to discount that at all. i feel a little guilty for wanting more. i find myself thinking of reasons to not come home after work. that's not okay. i drive around aimlessly just so i can stay gone longer. he doesn't deserve that.
well, my first blog seems a bit self-indulgent, but oh well. Just getting thoughts onto the screen...
